| Has anyone else tried that sugar substitute called | | | | Chernobyl. Average global temperatures warmed |
| "Splenda?"My wife, Roxanne, read about it, and | | | | four degrees, the polar ice cap broke into several |
| with me being on a diet for the past few weeks, | | | | pieces and floated south, and ocean levels rose |
| she decided to buy some for me. I've had it twice | | | | three inches. Under some mountain in Montana, |
| now, once a couple teaspoons on a bowl of | | | | lights flashed, alarms sounded, and the nation |
| Grapenuts, and another time as the sweetener in | | | | went to Defcon Three. When paratroopers landed |
| some so-called dietetic ice cream.Let me tell you | | | | to cordon off and quarantine our little town, the |
| something, folks, calling the results of eating | | | | lame excuse they used was "anthrax." We know |
| Splenda "having gas" is like calling the Space | | | | better, don't we?Sugar, my dog, is no longer my |
| Shuttle an airplane. (Well, it would be like calling it | | | | best friend -- I no longer have a best friend, or |
| an airplane if the damn thing could fly.) It's like | | | | any friends at all, for that matter. I'll have to have |
| calling a stick of dynamite a "partypopper." (No, | | | | the roof re-shingled, and most of the siding |
| wait. In the crowd I party with, dynamite is the | | | | replaced. Everything in the garden is dead, dead, |
| partypopper of choice.) OK, fitting comparison | | | | dead.Now, I've eaten beans and I've eaten |
| escapes me. Let's get down to the | | | | cabbage and I've even chased it all down with |
| issues.Although I suspected Splenda the first time | | | | sour beer, but I've never been turned into an |
| it happened, I didn't have enough empirical data | | | | actual human wind tunnel like happened with |
| then to blame the artificial sweetener. The second | | | | Splenda. So being the curious sort, now I'd like to |
| time, however, removed all doubts, as well as | | | | know: Is it just me and my particular |
| most of the wallpaper. I sat on the couch and | | | | metabolism?For experimental purposes, I think |
| blew holes in the cushions. I cleaned all the | | | | you all should try it. Eat some Splenda, then we |
| dustbunnies out from under the sofas and beds, | | | | can take a survey. (For that matter, I think you |
| in my own house as well as the one next door, | | | | all should try it anyway, survey or not, just so |
| and I blasted the doors right off their hinges in | | | | you can brag about the survival experience. I'll |
| the living room.My home lifted off its foundation, | | | | make T-shirts to sell, and later, much later, we will |
| like Dorothy's in The Wizard of Oz. I could have | | | | all have a big laugh.)Meanwhile, looks like I gotta |
| stuck a fan out the back door and a trumpet up | | | | go. There's some guys at the door flashing |
| my butt and flown my house to Dallas, playing a | | | | Homeland Security credentials.A sidebar on the |
| rendition of The Lonely Bull that would have made | | | | Splenda story:My daughter, Trista, called a few |
| Herb Alpert eat his own heart.Smoke alarms | | | | days after our granddaughter, Jaden, had |
| were going off six houses down, windows rattled | | | | returned to her home from visiting with us for |
| the next county over, and strange lights can still | | | | about a month. She told me that she had been |
| be seen in the sky over most of North Arkansas. | | | | giving the 3-year-old a bath when the little scamp |
| Roxanne went around turning off all the pilot lights | | | | pooted in the tub, blowing bubbles in the |
| and electrical appliances in the house, for safety | | | | bathwater.She looked up at her mom with a |
| reasons. Some guy downtown lit a cigar and his | | | | rascally smile and a twinkle in her eye, and stated |
| head exploded, burning down the hardware store, | | | | matter-of-factly, "Doggy did that.""Now where did |
| the flower shop, and the newspaper office (which | | | | she get that, Dad?" my daughter demanded to |
| is probably why you haven't read about this | | | | know, "We don't even have a dog."Ted |
| before now.)My bottle of Beano melted in the | | | | Thomnpson is a Freelance Writer living in Harrison, |
| medicine cabinet like the nuclear core at | | | | Arkansas. |